lmfao... I'm a fat cunt. Hell this is the most i've ate in a week.
Recovery.. LOL... I'm surprised I got this much in and I hardly cept it down today. Been avridge abt 1000-1200 cal. My lowest i'm support to be eating is 1500cal. I'm a disappointment to my GF. Fuck shes the only reason I'm holding on.
I want to cut. I want to hurt myself SOOO bad. I wanna burn and starve and purge diet coke till i see blood.
I wanna scream, and hit something, and cry, then kill myself.
I just wanna curl up in a ball and let the monsters come to get me. I want to fade away... As if I never existed at all.
I sure do break down a lot lately. I dont tell people things anymore because they:
- Don't believe me
- Don't care and say they do
- Will think I am insane
- Will think I'm to fat to have an ED
- Will worry
She wants my razors. I feel horrible for this but i'm going to give her a lot so she thinks the has them all, then go bye more so she suspects nothing.. "I'm so glad you aren't cutting anymore baby the Marks on your arms r finally fading, I'm so proud of you." I'm so fucking worthless. It's been a long time since she's checked my ankles... abt 4 cutting episodes in the last 3 weeks... probably go up to 5, later on tonight.
Tom 2 days ago, Tom made it very clear that I was going to get fat. I asked what was for dinner and he told me it would be done at 6:30. It was 3, so i said i'd eat then eat dinner too,.. He spends the whole night letting me know i'm a pig and going going to get fat. Needless to say, I did not get in that many calories after those remarks.
The next day, Carrie Beavers, (a chick whos suppost to have been one of my best friends since kinder-garden) Made this comment, "I'm not eating all day. I was doing well eating until this morning."
Let me tell you a little about Carrie Beavers. She has imitated me since we were children. I know this sounds horrible, But she is a wannarexic to the max. Like no joke full on wannarexic. This sounds terrible, but i know her very well. She literally went on a diet for a week of eating 1200 calories and then acted like she was stuck in this shit like me and fighting tooth and nail at recovery. I JUMPED SHIT on her. I Broke the fuck down and whisper-screamed and cried and told her if she seen just one little moment of that I have gone through and am going through with this she would NEVER EVER skip a meal again. EVER. She triggered me SO bad i planned on not eating for a very long time. I had a panic attack and made as ass of myself in the middle of class. A total Hell ED BREAKDOWN.
I told my Girlfriend, (who also has an ed, her best friend had EDNOS, her mom has an ED, and her girlfriend (me) has an ed, so she very well knows eating disorders) And she went APE SHIT. She just abt snatched Carrie up and beat the hell out of her. She told her to NEVER talk to me abt anything relating to eating again.
Here is the thing. Carrie CONSTANTLY triggers me. CONSTANTLY and TERRIBLE liek MEGGA trigger. And Brianna thinks she does it on purpose. Carrie has literally kicked me off the recovery waggin to many times to count B4 my GF (thank God) pushed me back on.
The look on my GF's face.. gosh. She could see I was on the verge of relapse and looked likes she was abt to cry. She kissed me like 7 times, Soft, and with worry, fear, care, compassion.. right there in the middle of the stairwell. And BEGGED me to keep eating. Begged me to try my absolute hardest and not relapse because she has helped me through this so far its unbeliveable.
So I ate my lunch, and went on.
Lastnight, My mother called me. She yelled and screamed and cried. My MawMaw changed the code to be able to talk to my brother and go visit him so that mom couldn't go see him. Talking to my mother is so triggering.
Hopefully i can get a grip of my ass shortly. and Thank you if u read though this novel.. lol
No comments:
Post a Comment